I remember in my first creative writing class in 9th grade that teacher talking about the many ways you can grab the attention of the public. Ways to scream, "Read me!" THAT is what this title is:
Campylobacter jejuni is the name of the bacteria that invaded my body. My life. The name of the disease that has stolen so much from me in the last 54 days, I actually have a list.
*The entire month of August, my last month of summer break
*An extra day of family time during my family reunion trip
*Day at Water Country with Friends
*Decorating my children's new bedrooms
*Shopping trips with my Best Friend
*Church. Lots of church. Church.
*Power Jam
*Christmas Play
*Small Group Dinner Meetings
*Our Vacation: no shopping, no putt putt, no adventures, very little beach, hardly any games, minimal family time, because I was just too darn sick.
*Back to school week: A time that is usually so exciting I can't breathe cause I love my job so much, was extremely painful and uncomfortable, as I had to fight and concentrate to get through every minute of it.
*My cousin, Diane's wedding
*A night of wine and cheese with my cousin, Kristen
*An opportunity to visit with and photograph all of my aunts and cousins, one of my favorite things to do in the world
*I was absent 7 days out of the first 15 days of school. That makes my heart too sad. And puts a taint on the entire school year, for I was not there to set the standard from day one, one that is impossible to remove.
*I began to have depression creep its way back into my heart and cause me to feel bad about myself and let pity tiptoe inside...
*I doubted my faith.
*I missed my son's ball game. The first one. Ever. In six years. And he was sad because of it. I made my kid sad. And there was nothing I could do about it.
* I missed being excited and relishing with Chloe on her first day of Kindergarten. It took all I had to get through MY day at school. Thank God, literally, for my friend, Robyn, and for how literal she takes the word friend.
*I lost the ability to be a mother. I could not help them do simple things...like bathe, do laundry, get to a place they wanted to go. I had to rely, for I completely dumped it all in his lap, on Brian to carry us. For the last 54 days he has been our rock. Every day through this turmoil I have asked myself what we would have done had this happened to me a year ago. He is our gift, hand-picked for us, from God Himself. No doubt. I will never, ever forget what he did for us. Continues to DO for us...
*Helping someone I admire deeply, the one and only Sammy Frame, edit his small group information
*I have been reduced to cooking like once a week, if I am lucky, and celebrating like I just rode my bike for the first time, like it is a miracle. I have lost the ability, the strength, to do something that I love the most, for those that I love the most...
*I have become to detest lying in bed because it is what I HAVE to do the most. What I have to do in order to at least be able to go to my job.... To give my students 110%... Meanwhile, my OWN kids are getting.... well,...you know....
*Quality time, a moment where we are not thinking about this junk, with my sweet Brian...
*Special visits from two very special women...
*A trip to see my own grandparents. At a time, when those trips are to be valued....since the clock is ticking....quicker lately...
*Spoiling Chauney Starkey and Sammy Frame as part of the Adopt a Pastor
*Tie Dye Day at PCC
*I can't say it enough: Church. Brian's advice. Praise band. The faces of God that walk amongst those halls. Church, PCC style...
*Shaving Cream Fight: Austin's first youth group experience. I wasn't there to photograph it or be a part of it. Period.
*A funeral of a special man of Powhatan. I missed an opportunity to support a woman I love so dearly.
*Apple Picking on Carter Mountain with the family I adore...
*Power Jam Luau
*Rosario's Birthday Party
*The PCC Carnival
*Care Team Cookout
*Time with friends
*Laughing
*Time with my children...and Brian...and my sister.
*Simply put, campylobacter jejuni has stolen my life.
So, I should be angry. And oh, I was, like a lot. And I still GET mad, for a moment, when I have set backs, like I did today. But, unfortunately, I have gained so much more from having this for 54 days, then I have lost. The list may not be as long, but each item on the list means so much more.
*I learned that I love my life. Truly LOVE LOVE LOVE my life. Like every single second of it. I get tired and overwhelmed and drained like everyone else, but I am proud of the life I have created and grateful for the one God has blessed me with.
*I learned that I will marry Brian Llewellyn, someday. And I, and my children, can depend on him for the rest of his life. He will forever have our backs. And consequently, we will have his, and shower him with more love than he knew existed. We will be living proof to Brian of just how real God is...
*I was re-reminded how lucky I am to be a Mom and how even the little mundane, daily things like packing lunches, cooking dinner, or driving the kids to practice, are part of the joy of motherhood. You know that saying "You don't know what you have until it's gone?" Well, I now know it. Know it well.
*I became re-acquainted with a very special friend that God put in my life, and I believe put mine in hers, to teach me some very important things about friendship and about Him. She connected with me every single day. She either emailed, texted, but usually, called me to check on me every single day. And was persistent. And demanding. And pushing. And, well, herself. And if she hadn't done that, well, I am not sure I would be as okay as I am right now, even though I am not all better. So, I learned exactly what a grand friend she is to have and how lucky I am that she takes the word FRIEND so seriously. No matter what the consequences might be to her. I misunderstood her. I am sorry for that. I am glad that I got to communicate that to her and have a second chance of being a better friend to her than she is to me.
*I gained an even deeper appreciation for how special I am and how much I truly am loved. My church friend, my school friends, my family, all sent cards, notes, texts, prayers, carted my kids around, carted ME around... just showed such an outpouring of concern, worry, and overall, love. Susan drove and sat with me at the hospital for hours and then took my daughter to dinner and home for a sleepover to make the fact that mommy was at the hospital seem like an adventure and not something scary. And it worked... Martha and Jennifer have been my rock at school. And so many others that carried my workload, so that when I returned....it was as if I had been there the whole time. My boss, Dr. Prince. Who never made me feel guilty about missing so much time during the beginning of school, but MADE it clear that my health and well being were number one. She even stated, "It is better for you to miss school 'cause you are healing than to miss school cause you are six feet under." Tough Love. She knows how to balance professionalism and treating people like people. I am proud to work for her and want to always give her my best.
And my number one. My gift from God. My number one friend. A friend who is so honest it hurts sometimes, but never ever leaves me. No matter how stupid I am, how depressed I get, or even, apparently, how sick I get. Robyn basically took over the 'mother' role since school started. And my kids are so lucky to have her. I am so lucky to have her. She is more blessing to us than I am afraid I will ever be to her. And I truly feel horrible that I am letting her down, since now I cannot do this year's Half-Marathon with her. She said now she is going to have to make her husband run it with her. And she will drive him crazy and it will be the demise of their 15 year love-filled marriage. Oh...guess I shoulda put this one on the 'stolen' list, huh?
My heart is beating a million miles a minute. This is huge for me. This is like someone who was paralyzed for over 22 years getting up from their wheelchair and walking across the room. But, here is the REAL miracle. Here is the what I gained the MOST. Here is why even though I have felt like I was dying for the last 54 days, truth be told? Campylobacter jejuni, I believe, saved my life:
*What I gained the most is an appreciation for my health. Now, you might not understand why this "confession" is so nerve racking to me. You will. Keep reading.
I am bulimic.
And I have been since the summer of 1987 when my best friend came to visit from Pittsburgh and told me how her parents has caught her sister "throwing up". And I was like, "Why would she do that?" And she, very innocently, for she had NO idea how this would affect my life, told me her sister was doing it to stay thin or lose weight. She was sharing it with me in worry. Well, I took it as a sign. A way for me to stay thin, too. I had lost over 30 pounds since we had moved to Virginia. And I wanted to stay this way. For even at 13, I had felt so much rejection and exclusion, from school and from my own family, because I was "fat."
So I gave it a try. And it was such a release. Such a way that I was in control of me. Since, because of my parents and their inability to get past their own past and/or selfishness, I had very little control over my life. And so, my travels down the path of deceit, that living this lie requires, began. I was 14 years old.
Now, I am 36 and still fighting the same disease. Every minute of every single day. I never judge smokers. For their addiction is a mirror for mine. Theirs is just tobacco and mine is food. But the struggle, the urge, the fight, is just as strong. I crave those flavors and comforts that foods such as bread, cheese, and peanut butter bring. Crave it like a veteran drug addict craves his next high. Trust me, I get it.
And I have tried therapists, dozens of them, tried confessing how I feel to those that have hurt me, tried leaning on God, begging Him for help, tried leaning on my 5 Balcony People, tried telling my closest spiritual advisors and friends.... tried having a baby, counting on that unconditional love, tried it all.... to no avail. Even though I have gotten better immensely, in the last 5 years, I still have bouts, weekly. I remember when Ryan confessed his secret life and asked me for a divorce. One of the first things I thought in my mind was, "Why me?" How could he do this to me? When he knows what I fine line I am walking because of the feeling that I live with that everyone that loves you, leaves you. Eventually.... Because I had mustered up the strength to tell him the truth about my disorder before we were married. Because I didn't want to start a marriage with any secrets. That's ironic, huh? That I was the one worried about secrets. Who knew? Who knew...
But anyway, I have known for the last year or so that I was getting better and better....but I just couldn't seem to beat it all the way. I kept having setbacks. And, then...
I went to the Leadership Summit with the greatest bunch of people that walk this earth. And their children's minister, because she is so grateful for the countless hours we give, wanted to buy us lunch. And where would we go than were we always go: Mexican, baby! So, we all ate at Mexico Restaurant on Mechanicsville Turnpike. And my life changed. Forever.
Who knew a chicken chimichunga had so much power.
That was a Friday. And on Monday, I woke up feeling a little 'blah.' By Wednesday, I couldn't leave the bathroom for more than 10 minutes and I had to crawl, because walking was no longer an option. And thus began the over 50 days filled with a sickness a never knew existed, with a weakness that took my life from me. I was so weak on most days, I could not talk on the phone or even read my children a bedtime story. No food was staying in. Not even applesauce and crackers. I felt as if I was dying. And next, thus the onset of invasive medical procedures and hospital trips and hundreds of dollars in co-pays and medicines. All to no avail, cause none of them were working or showing us that anything was wrong. And up until the moment I walked in for my endoscopy and colonoscopy, I truly thought I WAS dying. I thought, "This is it." You have defied death for 22 years and now it is catching up with you, because of something you shouldn't have been eating anyway. And the depression was setting in. It was so bad, that Brian's mother came to visit us in Buckingham, after I hadn't seen her for weeks, and I didn't even get up off the couch. Not because I didn't want to, but because I couldn't. And I love her to pieces. And the fact that I didn't treat her like royalty during her visit, just made me more depressed. And so on and so on. Each day I could do less and each day I got sadder.
And at one point I was actually crying, and actually thinking I might die. So, I expressed this to the love of my life. I told Brian that as sick as he thinks I am? Well, I am 10 times sicker than that. So, he looked at me and THIS is what he said. THIS is the statement that probably saved my life: "Honey, I want you to take all of the energy you have inside of you that it takes to love me and for just ONE day, I want you to not love me, but put the energy into loving yourself, so that this junk can all go away."
Wow.
Double Wow.
For I realized in that moment that THAT is all I wanted my entire life. For someone to love me more than I loved myself. So much so that they were willing to sacrifice their own happiness, so that I could be me, again. So, that I could live. So, that I could learn to love myself, for who I am. For how God made me. I realized in THAT moment two very important things: A) I am going to marry this mean and scream yes to the whole world when he asks me and B) God used Brian. Sent this broken, imperfect man into my life to do for me what all the therapists, counselors, pastors, friends, and love in the world could not do. He made me see the he loved me. Completely. Unconditionally. No matter how broken I get. Or if I gain a few pounds. Not despite the fact that I am not thin, but because of how beautiful I am just like I am. Just like God made me.
Brian did that for me.
Because he was scared, too, the night before that test. For I told him the truth. About my eating disorder. And he didn't really understand the why's or the how's. But he knew enough about heath and your body to know that after 22 years this could be causing a major problem. One that could claim my life. As it has many bulimics in the past...
And I said to him, in barely a whisper, "You just saved my life." And he looked at me, with love so complete in his eyes, that I knew. I was cured. Completely.
And it is not like one of those "ahhhhh" moments, like you see in the movies or read in a book. This is something I have been working towards for months, years.....loving myself enough to quit beating myself up for my mistakes. For my past. To finally live what I believe: God sent his son, Jesus, here FOR the broken. To offer grace for those not perfect, and to send people to love the craziness outta them no matter how fat or thin they may be.
So ready?
I love myself.
Kelley with an "e".
I love how much I love people.
Love how I can take care of them
Love my creative writing abilities...
My gift at amateur photography..
Love my talent as a Mom
Love my ability to love Brian...with all of my heart.
Love my ability to forive...
Love my ability to teach...and I am good at it...
Proud my my education. Two degrees. On my own
Love my ability to make Jesus come alive to people.
Love how I have goals and work at them and don't let anything get in the way.
Love how I have fallen. Completely. And trusted in God to carry me all the way. I now know HE loved me that much, and I love Him that much. He is real. He listen. And, most importantly, He answers.
And I will forever be grateful for God, for sending me this diamond in the rough, this man, who despite his shyness, his desire to spend time alone in silence, has opened up his heart and shown my children and I what true love is. For giving me what I have been looking for all my life: DEEP Love.
And I will forever be grateful to Brian for listening to God's nudge (a.k.a. Jennifer and Rondal's meddling) and jumping in, even when he found out all of my past, the mistakes that weren't my fault and the ones that were. Even when he saw two little kids staring at him that needed the consistency of a Daddy in the picture, every day, jumping in and never looking back. And just loving the heck out of us in everyway that I man should love his family. I truly do not have enough words to express how happy he makes me. Truly...
So, where do I go from here. Up. Way up. For now that I have this appreciation for health. For feeling good, for feeling alive, for getting to be with, giggle, and laugh with your friends, for GETTING to go to work, for being a part of your children's lives daily, I am NOT going to do anything to risk losing all of that ever again.
For I was lucky, for all of my results have come out NEGATIVE, showing that I am the healthiest woman alive. I read the words myself, the day after my tests (since I was so high under demerol that I don't remember anything the doctor told me), that Brian wrote when the doctor came out from the procedures: "No cancer, no tumors, no bacteria." The doctor said I was completely healthy inside. After 3 weeks of tests, it was determined that this food poisonsing had just gotten a terrible hold of my body and it might take up to 6 months to feel completely like me again. Simply put, I was going to have to put up with taking things slow and eating next to nothing for another 2-4 months. Oh goodie....
I am not going to lie, this bacteria/food poisoning has caused many hours of sadness, angry, and frustration. From myself and Brian. But I cannot hate it or regret it. Because now I know. I know that I am healthy. And for whatever reason, He saved me from dying from bulimia. After over 22 years of throwing up, sometimes several times daily, I have no phsysical reprecussions. So, I am clean. As promised, He wipes the slate clean, if you ask Him, too. And so I learned what He wants everyone to learn. What would make the world a better place, if we all learned this: He loves me just as I am. And so, therefore, so should I. And now, I do.
And He wanted me to learn such an appreciation for the health He gives some of us, most of us... and we waste it away. I just think about my friend, Amy, and her fight against Luekemia, and the struggles she and her family are facing....I think about those and I am so grateful for this "little bout with some food poison", even if it does take up to 6 months to get better. Six months are better than.... Well, let's just say that I cannot imagine what Amy and her husband are facing...
And I know He put Brian in our lives to love us to pieces so we could feel all that contentment and security and spread that love to all of those we come in contact with.
So.
God must have BIG plans for Kelley, Kelley with an "e". Cause he allowed me the gift of eating at that Mexico Restaurant, of getting so sick, so sick that I gained an immense appreciation for those around me and for the life that He has given me. Gifts I never intend on taking for granted again.
And I am not even all better. I have had many good days this week. But today...today, I could barely walk to the shower again. Just got so excited to be back into my life this past week that I overdid it. So, I was angry again this morning. I want church back, I want my friends back, I want my kids back, I want my life back. Period.
But I still know this was a gift. So I am taking it. Unwrapping it. Relishing in it. I am going to not focus on what I eat so much anymore, but why I am eating it. Am I hungry? Or am I emotional eating...again.... And I am going to, as soon as I get my strength back, get back to running and exercising. I gained that through this, too. I learned that I truly LOVE working out, running outside with God staring back at me, and that I miss it. Tons.
And I am going to keep loving me. And trying not to let anyone else get in the way of that. Those that hurt me time and time again.... I am going to try hard to prevent them from hurting me anymore....and from telling me the lie, through their actions, that I am not worthy of love in the first place....
Someone at school was checking on my condition and how I was feeling and in a joking manor she said, "Hey, maybe you have bulimnia!" And I told her that what I had would be a person with an eating disorder's nightmare. But, as I have processed those two statements, I feel like I should go back and correct that statement. For me, at least, and instead, state, "This SHOULD have been a nightmare for anyone that has bulumnia; but for me, it was different. For me, it saved my life."
So, for the next several months, when I continue to have setbacks like I did today, when I am tempted to give into the anger, I am going to try to remember all of the above stated: Loads of people love me, my kids love me, Brian loves me, GOD loves me, so much so He has kept me around to do His work. So, therefore, I kinda have to love me, too.
And clearly, I must. I must have a lot of faith in God, Brian, my family, my friends, and all the people God put in my life. For admitting this publicly is a huge risk. But, as Brian told me a few weeks ago, "Honey, ANYTHING worth it's weight, is WORTH the risk."
Maybe my pain. My struggles. My healing... will help someone else who thinks that they are not beautiful enough, just like God made them. If my path and lessons help just one person, then it is worth it.
And as for me? I get to keep the man with the dimples. And I get to see two cute kids smile everyday. So, it was worth it.
Bring it on, Camplyobacter Jejuni, bring it on.
A special thank you for all who have stood beside me as I have walked this journey. Keep giving that last 10%. Didn't say this fight was gonna be easy. And a double thank you to my kids and most especially, to my Brian. There are no words....quite simply put, you saved my life.
And to God? That one is easy: "Thank You."
You thought I was gonna have pictures of New York up here, huh? 
I think the PR department for the orchard should include THIS pic in their advertisements! I am sure their sales would soar!
Looks Angelic, huh?
Peek-A-Boo
Such a Growing Boy
The Kids
The view of Charlottesville
One actually sees God amongst this moutain...
Love apples. 
Yep. Halloween is coming...
An apple a day...
Please look at Chloe... Oh, that girl!
Just 'Hangin' Out
Bundled up for winter! We did not actually buy these from the craft show. Just put them on and took the cute picture and quietly added them back to the pile..... Ooops....
Who says white girls can't climb? Oh wait..that wasn't how it went, huh?
Giggle, Giggle, Giggle ***** Scream, Scream, Scream
How could one NOT love this face? Those dimples... It seems I have a thing for Dimples...
The World is our Orchard! 
Mother and Daughter: STRIKE A POSE
Thanks, Robyn....for the crooked picture! :O) Matches my crooked smile...
From our 2nd date, when we both realized that, "hmmm, this might be 'it'", Brian flat out asked me what I wanted and told me that he would not even consider marriage until he had known me for one year. And if there is one thing I have learned about THIS MAN over the last 365, it is that he keeps his promises, as to always adhere to his motto to 'keep it real'. 
I knew it was coming. We have spent countless hours talking, discussing, debating...over dreams we have for our lives (mostly Brian letting me go on and on about all of my hopes...), which included getting married, having kids, building homes, where we would live, our finances, etc, etc, etc. We have talked about all the details. EXCEPT the engagement. I wouldn't let him. I wanted to leave SOMETHING to surprise. Because he and his mom tried. But...ummm...let's just say they are no government spies or anything. But they were as cute as can be in their own attempt at "Mission Impossible".. which was, to get the ring of all rings and have it offered to me WITHOUT me knowing anything. HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh that is funny. Clearly, my future mother-in-law and husband do not know how nosey and/or clever I am at figuring out clues. All that sneaking the t.v. on late at night to watch Columbo worked.
1) His mom called me weeks ago to ask me my ring size for a "Christmas" present she wanted to get me
Brian tries to convince me that everything is the same as it was the day before he asked me to MARRY HIM! 
And perfect for my children. For they were as happy as I was, that Brian, "kept it real".
The Families 
Look at those faces! I adore them...
And then....finally....on the way home.....exhaustion sets in... 
